A Wee Scottish Epic or How our hero return’d to London imitating Falstaff of the Merry Wives of Windsor*
1
Early in the glow of the Queen’s morning light
A loan traveler (small and bald, aye, but bold and bright!)
- or so thought he – upon a modern marvel did alight.
Not a beast of sun, air, or rail was she,
But a bus as mega as one can see
(and he t’were only on it 11 hours, woopee!).
O’er the hills and plains of sheep our hero sped
With dreams of castles, adventure, and whiskey in his head,
Toward where our heroine lay (demurely, we shall say) asleep in her bed.
Arriv’d our hero in Edinburgh with yawn in hand
To meet the lass Laina and hero Leon (whom from our heroes did presently disband)
And with the lass did stroll this nation, his name plus land.
2
Our heroine (daughter of a Rose and mighty Klaus, watched over by Zeus)
Did lead to the castle of Lucy and Dave the Bard
Where travelers, oysters, laugher, food and wine flowed loose,
To prepare our heroes for traveling many a yard.
(A’fore we continue a kind word o’ Lucy and Dave we must say,
as a more beautiful and welcoming hearth hath never a more grateful traveler met,
nor more satisfied his head on his pillow lay;
‘tis sure that for kindness, banter, and rest, forever is he in their debt.)
From the castle next morn the lass set a hearty pace
The better to see the capital of the Scots in a day
(and to through our a path a fudge shop three times lace)
past lofty crags, mighty castles, church’s a’spired did they make their way!
A challenge (or demand) was issued from the lass
“we pass Hagus and Whiskey, but have Hagus first!”
so with Neeps and Tatters our hero devoured a delicious mass –
of intestines, lung and heart – before downing a pint at world’s end to quench his thirst.
A thirst which has not abetted yet
They met later with friends (and mighty Leon) later to quench,
And at the Hive did drink and common merry let
Men of wee Scot befriend those of yet mighty America (ay! Though we be on the bench).
3
Awake next morning our hero did find
That he had grown old of body (and yet, of mind?)
With akin’ back our hero did kindly take
The offer of Lucy, to the bus station to make
And from there to Dundee where this story began,
A town of Uni, malls and bagpipe through which our heroes ran.
That night they ate food o’ the east (thanks be to Mayer!)
To prepare their livers for the nights feast and a Union with five layer,
Wherein our hero with Scottish warriors did dance and chat
Until the wee hours of the morn when he tried to apply his stiff back to a mat.
4
Having all of these adventures under his belt,
The Lord believed with pride our hero dwelt,
And because the Lord ‘tis kind, not wishing our hero to Hell,
Did send him a challenge, our heroes mind now to melt.
This day (which was to end with our heroes departure)
Began with St. Andrew’s fire (put out, though, by wind and rain)
Which is a town of glorious ruins and seaside which even the weather could not stain,
And was to end with lovely Laina’s cooking, healthy and pure.
5
But soft! Our hero’s wits (surfeited) the Lord did break,
T’was the 20:40, not the 22, our hero was to take!
So again on the floor (like a puppy, with tail between legs)
did our hero stay, and listen to a storm brew of which legend begs.
The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away,
And then he putith it into a sac and beatith our hero with it until he pray
That the sheet of rain, and wind to lift an ox, would not stay.
But on our hero went, till all about him were soaked, into the fray.
The great beast, megabus! – slumbered in her cave,
Sad that appeared not our hero to save,
Until at last – hunched, sodden, and beaten – a drowned rat came,
Up the steps, to (for his troubles) assign God the blame.
*my only excuse for this nonsense is reading too much Shakespeare